THIRD RATE VAMPIRE

 Third rate vampire. Short story.

It was 2008 I was 28 years old, renting a room in a three bedroom house in Suburban Bolingbrook. I had just moved out of an apartment with a girlfriend that liked cocaine.... She was a store manager at a clothing store and I was working and sold pills. We made 120k that year and could hardly pay rent such were our proclivities. I liked to snort a little H here and there (like every 5 mins). I realized before the year lease was up that our friendship was unhealthy and we were just functioning addicts basically. Our risky behavior feeding off one another was escalating. I'd say something crazy and grab a gun and mask and she'd be like "ok who's driving?". Her side piece girlfriend was still with her after I broke it off so I didn't feel too bad. So after we split I went on Craigslist and found a room to rent for five hundred bucks a month. I owned a portable DVD player all my possessions were in two Rubbermaid containers and all my clothes were in garbage bags. I had a little 2003 Hyundai Accent, I had no direction or idea of what my future would hold. The Half Crazy handyman with poor ratings on Craigslist was subletting the house for the owners, he liked to smoke crack and drink whenever he had money. I tried to stay away from this guy any chance I got because he was annoying and always wore wife beaters. I was completely isolated sleeping in a room with no furniture. When I first was shown the room he said "you see that twin-size mattress on the floor you can keep that, I fucked a Mexican chick on that once" he laughed, I tried to smile, more like winced and closed the door on his face. I was not in contact with any old friends and my habit had me living hand-to-mouth but I did not feel desperate. My drug use never bothered me, it's my expensive mistress that is always waiting for me. I had a laptop and I was looking to meet some new people especially some women. I have a weakness for women who wear all black The Goth type. So I'm on meetup.com and I find a vampire meetup group, I started laughing at first and then I saw how many members there were and I said fuck it so I signed up. I looked around my room... garbage bags of clothes some Rubbermaid containers and a twin size mattress that came with the room I said I need to get out of here and do something or I'm going to go crazy. I saw that the vampire Meetup group was going to go to the bar the exit in a week for a burlesque show by a burlesque troupe called red hot Annie. I've always been attracted to goth Punk weirdos nerds any type of inverted woman I usually get along with so I figured the vampire freaks wouldn't be much different.
I have been to the exit bar many times and had many good times there. Thursdays bondage night was always interesting. I figured what's the worst that could happen fuck it. I went to the party supply store and bought some cheap plastic vampire fangs that mold to your canines. I couldn't get the mold to work, fuck it I said I went to the kitchen and found some super glue. I superglued the plastic fangs to my teeth and held them there for a couple of minutes. After some experimenting I found that they would stay on for 20 minutes with the super glue.
     So on a Thursday night at 7 p.m. I left wearing all-black, with my two plastic fangs and a bottle of super glue in my pocket on my way to the exit... burlesque Showtime starting at 8 p.m.
As I parked I can see the place was packed, there had to be two hundred people upstairs I super glued my fangs on in the bathroom. Fuck, how do I find any of these people? I start slowly walking through the crowd, should I just start asking people if they are vampires? I was walking around smiling and making my fangs as visible as possible. Then the burlesque show started, and the music was loud as fuck. I order a Jack and Coke, as I gulp it down I chew down the cherry and a fang came off. God dammit I am such an idiot, so it's come to this I thought..... super gluing plastic vampire teeth to try to meet chicks. I'm holding the fang in my hand, defeated, embarrassed. I'm an idiot. I watched the rest of red hot Annie show and filtered out of the  Bar and back to my little shit box car. Well at least I got to see a good show and I guess I'm not a very good vampire.